The Family
Family is
probably the most important area of any young person’s life. Your family looks after your basic human
needs (giving you food and somewhere to live). Just as importantly, your family
should be where you feel you belong, where you feel safe and loved and looked
after. Young people need their family to
help them grow up, and young people have a right to be looked after by their
family.
Family Types
These days,
young people grow up in many different types of families. Most young people live with one or both of
their parents, but some live with their grandparents or other relatives. They may live with one parent some days and
the other parent on other days. They may
live with their parents, aunties, uncles, brothers, cousins and more
besides. They may live with two parents,
one parent or none! All these families
are normal if there are responsible adults around to help you grow up.
Below are
just some of the family types around.
Nuclear
Family
A Nuclear Family has two parents living just
with their children.
Extended
Family
This is a family group that consists of
parents, children, and other close relatives, often living close to each other
or in the same house.
Single
Parent Family
A single parent family has one parent plus
children.
Blended
or Step Family
This kind of family occurs when two single
parents marry each other, with children from both families living together.
Foster
Family
A foster family usually consists of one or two
parents and the children they are looking after. Foster parents usually aren’t related to the
children they look after, but might be relations of some type.
Feelings About Family
Changes
Our family is
usually where we feel most safe, secure and protected. Because of this, changes in our family are
often very painful – particularly if it means losing someone you trust or love,
or having new people you don’t know in your family. But like everything in
life, most families do change from time to time – like getting a new brother or
sister, or sad changes like parents splitting up. It’s important to learn how
to deal with these changes, because being in a family means having to cope with
changes in other people around you.
New Brother Or Sister
This is usually a wonderful time for a family,
but young people can get upset about having someone new in the family. You might have a range of mixed feelings
about a new brother or sister:
I’m not sure what’s
about to happen
This is a new situation for you. You know it’s going to change things a
LOT. You’re just not sure if you’re
going to like the changes. Before the
baby is born is a great time to talk to your parents about what is going to
happen. After all, they had you first so
they know what to expect.
I’m not going to get
the attention I’m used to
A new baby needs lots of care and that means
some of the attention that you used to get will disappear. Unfair!
Well… no, not really. You won’t remember
it but you used to get this sort of attention when you were born. It’s time to be a little more grown up now
and let someone else have the limelight.
Here are some tips:
·
If
you have other smaller brothers and sisters that don’t understand what’s going
on, they might feel the same way as well. Be sure to give them a little more
attention than you used to.
·
Make
sure you get time to spend with your parents, even if it’s just to do homework
and read with. When the baby’s asleep is
usually the best time.
·
If
you’re by yourself for a bit don’t worry!
You might like a little more time to yourself. And remember, it won’t be forever. When the baby gets a little older you’ll have
a new playmate AND your parents will have a little more time on their
hands.
I don’t know how to
help out at home
There’s a lot to do when there’s a new baby in
the house, and it’s easy to think that you are in the way. If you want to help
out, talk with your mum or dad. Here are a few good ways to help:
·
Spend
time with the baby, keeping it happy by talking to it, holding it and playing
together with baby-safe toys.
·
Offer
to push the pram (carefully though).
·
Help
fold nappies (also known as diapers).
·
Do
extra jobs around the house for your mum – she has her hands full!
Of course this is going to be a bit one sided
for a while but don’t worry. In a few
months your biggest job will be handling a little brother or sister that just
can’t wait to play with you!
I’ve been around
babies before – and it’s hard work!
It certainly is! If you realise this then you’re an
experienced professional. Well
done! The only advice that can be given
here is to stop, breathe in and out and jump into your responsibilities. The good thing to remember is that baby
duties are easier the more times you have to do them and, if you have more
brothers and sisters this time around, you can share out some of those jobs
with them.
Getting a new parent and blended families
Having new
people in your family is one of the biggest and most difficult changes that can
happen to your family, particularly if they are grown-ups (like having a new
mother or father) or young people your own age.
When one of
your parents has a new partner or marries again, you might get a new ‘step’
mother or father plus maybe some new ‘step’ brothers and sisters. Having new family members, especially new
parents can be great, but it can also be very difficult. Find out about the changes that can happen
and how you can deal with them.
Changes
Not everything changes when you get new
step-parents or brothers and sisters, but many things about your life will
change. These changes can be both good
and bad, and may include:
·
Possibly
moving house (even city) and changing school!
·
Learning
to live with new people with new likes and dislikes.
·
Learning
to do what a new parent tells you.
·
New
roles within your new family (for example, you may not be the oldest kid in the
house now or there might be very little children to look after), which means
new jobs and responsibilities.
·
Having
less of your own parent’s time, as they have a new partner to look after.
·
Possibly
having more money – or less money to go around.
·
Possibly
having to deal with more stress, as everyone can find it difficult to adjust to
having a new family set-up.
Dealing
with new parents
Some young
people find it easy to get on with their parents’ new partners, but it’s very
natural to be wary or suspicious at first when your parent has a new partner or
gets married again. Young people can feel
that the new partner is trying to take over their life or their mother or
father’s life, and often resent the idea that someone might replace their other
parent. Sometimes young people feel
angry with their real parents about having someone new in their life that
replaces the other parent.
Here are
some tips on how to deal with this if you are having problems:
·
Remember
that your real parent has a right to be happy and that means a right to
choosing a new partner. If you are
worried about this, talk to your original mother or father about things rather
than bottling them up.
·
Give
the new person a chance. It’s easy to
give the new person a hard time just because your other parent has not given
them a chance to show if they are a good person or not. Also, remember that the new person is probably
just as nervous as you are about joining your family.
·
Talk
to your other parent – the one who is not at home. They might be able to help you come to terms
with the new person.
Dealing with new brothers and sisters
Having new
brothers or sisters in your family can be fun, but it can sometimes also be
difficult, especially if you don’t know them very well. Right at the start, the important thing to
realise is you’re not the only one this is all happening to. The new people also have to get used to your
family. The best approach is to step back a bit and be cool, controlled and
calm about the whole situation. Remember
that brothers and sisters are important parts of your life but they often
aren’t your best friend.
Here are some tips that can help you deal with
new brothers or sisters:
·
Let things flow for a while.
You may know a lot already about your new family, but knowing about
people and living with them are two entirely different things!
·
Talk about things.
Most of your new life together is going to be about how everyone fits
into the new scheme of things. This is
going to need a lot of talk. Sometimes
it’s all the little changes (like at what time you brush your teeth, being able to watch your favourite programs
and who’s in charge of putting out the garbage) that make people most
upset. The only way through this is to
talk.
·
Compromise:
You may feel it’s important for your new sister to let you have the
shower first in the morning, but you may have to let her watch her favourite
cartoon in the afternoon. Sometimes you
can share things but there’ll be other times where you have to give and take.
Foster Family
A foster
family is one where a family looks after a young person for a while because
they need care from someone other than their parents. ‘A while’ can mean anything from an overnight
stay to staying for years!
Why Are Some Kids In Foster Care?
Young people go into foster care for lots of
reasons. The young person may have been
left by themself as their parents are in hospital, in jail, or just not
around. Sometimes a young person’s
parents have too many problems to look after a child properly or the young
person and their parents just aren’t getting on at all. Other times the child is a victim of abuse or
their parents are having problems with drugs or alcohol. Whatever the reason, the child is in foster
care so they can be cared for, loved, and guided.
Strong Feelings
It’s hard to just leave your family and move in
with another one, no matter what the reason is for not being able to live at
home! Add to the mix the fact that the
child has left their family during a stressful or dangerous time, and you have
somebody who has a lot of strong emotions to deal with! There is no easy way to deal with these
problems either. Because of this, a
young person in foster care also receives visits from a social worker, someone
who is there to check up on the child’s progress, to help to make and carry out
a plan to solve the family’s problems, and make sure that, once a family are
back together, the child is safe.
Divorce
Divorce is
when two married people decide to stop being married because things aren’t
working out, or one person or both feel they would be better off by themselves
or with another partner. Divorce is very
hard and sad for the adults. For the
children, it can mean putting up with your parents fighting a lot, having to
live with only one of your parents, or even not seeing one of your parents as
much as before.
Changes With Divorce
Divorce is
almost always a very upsetting time and usually ends up meaning big changes for
any young person involved. These can
include:
·
Living with only one of your
parents. You may need to choose whether you stay with
your mother or father, but sometimes you don’t have a choice.
·
Not seeing one of your parents very
often for a while. You will obviously see less of the parent who
doesn’t live with you anymore, as you might only see them a few nights a week
or on weekends and holidays.
·
Moving house or school.
This depends on which parent you end up staying with and where they can
afford to live. Sometimes money is very
tight after a divorce, which can mean the family needs to find a new home.
·
Coping with new partners.
After or during a divorce, one or both of your parents might find a new
partner. See our section on new family
members for more.
Dealing With Divorce
Here are
some important things to remember if you or someone you know has parents who
have divorced.
·
You’re Not Alone - Statistics for the
·
It’s Not Your Fault - Parents divorce each other
because they can no longer live together.
It’s their decision based on their feelings. It’s nothing you could have stopped, and you
certainly didn’t cause it yourself. Your
parents are divorcing each other, not you.
·
People Can Help - If you can, talk to both of your
parents about your feelings with what’s going on. If it’s easier, talk to an adult not involved
in the divorce if you want to talk about things to someone who won’t take
sides. This could be someone like a
counsellor, church leader, teacher or an adult you know and trust.
Single Parent Families
You may be
in a Single Parent Family for many reasons.
Your parents may have divorced or separated. One of your parents may have died. Your parents may never have lived with each
other at all. Whatever your reason, you
have one parent living with you and that can bring with it a lot of thoughts,
emotions and responsibilities.
Feelings And Worries
Living in a single parent family can have good
and bad effects. It may make you closer to the parent you live with, who may
rely on you more and be able to give you more attention. However, it can also be difficult for young
people.
·
They
may feel angry with the parent who isn’t there and wonder why they couldn’t
stay.
·
They
may get into conflict with the parent they are living with, who may be very
stressed with having to look after the children on their own.
·
They
may not like the fact that the parent they are with (or the parent who is away
in the case of divorced parents) may have a new partner or is starting to see
other people.
·
They
may feel alone because the parent they are with has to work long hours to support
them both.
·
In
the case of divorced or separated parents, a young person may be upset that
their parents are still fighting with each other.
Dealing With Being In A Single Parent Family
Lots of
young people are perfectly happy living with just one parent. Here are some ways to help if things are
difficult:
·
If
you only have one parent, you might want to spend more time with other adults,
such as aunts and uncles or grandparents.
This is especially important for boys living only with their mother,
because boys need an adult male around the place when they are growing up.
·
If
your parents are separated or divorced, seeing your other parent regularly is
good for you and usually helps you come to terms with things. Sometimes seeing
the other parent can stir up your feelings, but you shouldn’t let this stop you
seeing them. Usually young people living
with one parent have a right to see their other parent once a week or more
often.
·
Stay
close to your brothers and sisters if you have any. You are all in this together, and they might
be the only people who really understand what is going on. If they are older than you, they can usually
help you deal with problems. If they are
younger than you, you have a responsibility to help them cope as well.
Death In The Family
When people
you know well are very ill or die, dealing with your emotions is almost always
very difficult. Even losing a pet can
make you sad for a little while. Grief
and sorrow are natural emotions when you lose someone, and it’s also quite
common to be very angry. If the person
was very close to you, your grief can feel overwhelming and can take over
everything else in your life for a while.
This is natural and very painful but always goes away in time, when you
end up accepting that the person is gone and that your life keeps on going.
Dealing
with grief is always difficult but it’s something everyone will have to do at
some time in their life. Here are some
things that can help:
Being There
Avoiding the
issue is tempting but it doesn’t stop you feeling grief. It may help a little at first but ignoring
the fact that someone you know has died will only make things worse later
on. It helps to be with friends and
family who knew the person who has died, attend the funeral or visit the
gravesite of the person. Talking about
the person and their life helps remember the person properly and starts your
feelings turning from loss to acceptance.
Show your feelings
Though this
is hard for some people, showing how upset you are is an important and helpful
way to deal with all the emotions within you.
You can let your emotions out by crying (a really good way to let go),
talking or expressing yourself creatively through art, music or writing. Whatever it is you do is better than
‘bottling it up’ and will help you though the grieving process.
Doing
something active like running or kicking a football around is good too, but
some people can go too far with this and try to do something that will hurt
themselves or others. If this is the
case with you or someone you know make sure you talk to someone who can help.
Talk
Talking
about what has happened is one of the best ways of dealing with a death. You’ll feel a lot better if you share your
feelings with friends or adults you can trust, such as parents, teachers,
counsellors or religious leaders.
Also, many
areas have support groups to help people.
Counsellors are trained especially to help people who are suffering from
grief or depression. Check out your local
area for more details.
Moving On
It’s a hard
thing to do, and everyone does it in their own time. Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting the person
you have lost. It means getting back to
your life and enjoying yourself again, while still remembering the past. If you have worked through your feelings, you
should find that, as the saying goes, time heals all wounds.
Roles, Rights, Responsibilities &
Relationships
A family is
a lot like a team, where everyone works together but each person has certain roles,
rights and responsibilities. This is
true no matter what shape or size of family you are in. Here’s what each word
means:
·
Relationship The
connection between you and something else.
·
Role What
you are meant to do.
·
Right Something
you should expect.
·
Responsibility Something
people should expect from you.
Family Roles
There are many roles within a family. These are the most important ones:
·
Providing for family members - Providing things such as money,
food, clothing and shelter, for all family members is one of the most basic
roles within a family.
·
Nurturing and Support - Nurturing and supporting other
family members is a very important role within a family. It includes providing comfort, warmth and
support for family members. Examples of this role, are a parent comforting a
child after they have a bad day at school or family members supporting one another
after the death of a loved one.
·
Developing Life Skills - This includes the physical,
emotional, educational and social development of children and adults. Examples
of this role are parents helping a child make their way through school, or
helping a young person decide what they want to do with their life after
finishing school.
·
Managing A Family - This involves many tasks including
leadership, decision making, handling family finances and making sure everyone
behaves correctly with relatives, friends and neighbours. Other
responsibilities of this role can include maintaining discipline.
Look at
each of these roles and think about the members of your family. Think of who has which role. Which ones do you have? You may have or share some of these roles or
have none of them, depending on your family type and how you are positioned
within your family. But everyone has
roles within their family (they’re ALL not as big as the ones mentioned!). You may be the person who puts out the
garbage, the one who cheers people up with jokes or the person whose role it is
to make your mother smile! These are
important roles within your family. As
your family changes and as you grow your role within your family changes too.
Young People’s Rights In A Family
As a young person
within a family you have rights:
·
The right to reasonable basic necessities of life,
including food, shelter and clothing;
·
The right to have necessary medical care and assistance;
·
The right to an education;
·
The right to be free from abuse and neglect; and
·
The right to be free from danger, and of serious
physical or emotional harm.
These are
all important. The rights you have are
to keep you safe and to make sure you have the best chance to grow and develop. If you have any serious worries about how you or someone else in your family is
being treated, be sure to talk to an adult you know and trust that isn’t
involved.
A Parent’s Rights In A Family
Your
parents have a lot of responsibilities in bringing children up, but they also
have rights as human beings. These
include:
·
Having
a relationship and time for just themselves without the kids around. For single parents, this means that they have
a right to find another partner that makes them happy, even if their children
don’t approve.
·
Respect
from their children. Your parents are
entitled to your respect, for they provide you with love, a home, clothes and
an education. They don’t have to be perfect parents to gain your respect, but should
be respected and loved for providing you with life’s important things. Being a parent is hard work.
Family Responsibilities
If you have
rights, you also have responsibilities that the other people in your family
depend on you to do. The amount of
responsibility you have depends on:
·
How important your role or roles are
within your family. For example, having the role of providing for
your family is a BIG responsibility!
That’s why it’s usually a job for an older member.
·
Your Age.
The oldest member of the family will have many more responsibilities
than say, a newborn baby. You’ll notice
too that the older you become, the more responsibilities you have too.
·
Your Family Situation. Your family roles will change as your family changes. You may change to being a single parent
family, an older brother or sister may move out of home or a new baby may
arrive! New family needs will bring with
them new roles for you.
Sometimes
these changes will be for the good and, sometimes, hard times will mean new
responsibilities. Whatever the reason
you must always try your best with every new responsibility that comes your
way. If your new responsibilities are
causing you worry or stress, be sure to talk to an adult you know and trust
about what to do.
Family Relationships
Having
friends is great, but there’s nothing quite like family. Friends come and go over time but for most
people, your family is always there, whether you like it or not!
Your Parents
Your mother
and father have their own relationship with each other as well as being your
parents. This means that usually they get along well but sometimes they will
disagree or fight about things that have nothing to do with you. All parents fight occasionally and sometimes
they won’t get on with each other for sometime.
If they are fighting a lot or not getting on, this can be upsetting for
everyone in the family. If this happens,
try talking to other adult relatives in your family (like your grandparents) to
see if they can help.
You & Your Parents
Fantastic,
fun, caring, supportive, loving and understanding. Parents can be described as all of these
things and more besides! They can also
be frustrating, weird, annoying, busy and embarrassing (from your point of viewJ ). Your
relationship with your parents is as unique as you are! Here are some tips on how to keep your
relationship with your parents worry free:
·
Talk To Them This
doesn’t just mean seeing them when you need something or when you need
help. Share the fun things about your
day, your hopes about tomorrow and the latest joke that’s going around
school. You’ll certainly get along with
them more if they understand where you’re coming from!
·
Listen To Them If
you expect parents to listen to you, you have to listen to them too. Again, look for times other than when they’re
asking you to do something or when you’re getting in trouble for something
(though you should listen at these times too!)
You may understand why they do some of the things they do if you listen
to what they say.
·
Understand Them Like
your teacher, parents really don’t come from another planet, no matter how much
you think it sometimes! Like you, they
have good and bad days, laugh at funny things and have hopes for the future. Sometimes you have to step back from
everything that’s going on between you and your parents and look at them as
people other than your parents. The more you understand your parents and see
them as real people the better.
You & Your Siblings
Siblings
(your brothers and sisters that is) are often either the greatest thing or the
worst annoyance in your life. They may
be always in your way, taking your things and annoying you for whatever reason. The good news is that this usually changes as
they, or you, grow up. However, if it’s a problem now, here are some tips for
surviving brothers and sisters:
·
Don’t Let Fights Last It’s
important not to let fights last too long.
Little fights can turn into big hurtful ones if things aren’t
sorted. Family lasts a long time and
fights can last just as long if you’re not careful! See if you can sort it out between yourselves
first. If this is impossible, look at
involving your parents or an adult you trust to help you work things through!
·
Be Different, Don’t Compete You
may have heard of the term ‘sibling rivalry’.
It‘s when brothers and sisters compete against each other. You may be jealous of them because they’re
better at school or they were picked for a sporting side and you weren’t. It’s hard not to do, but it’s easier to avoid
sibling rivalry if you try to do something different. If they play basketball, take up
archery. However, if you always feel
like your brother or sister is getting the limelight, be sure to talk to your
parents about your concerns.
·
Support Each Other You’re fighting with
your brother or sister? This is not an
unusual thing. Most young people
do. Many older people do too, to be
honest. But most brothers and sisters
will put their differences aside to support each other if one has a problem
they can’t solve by themselves. To have
a family is a special thing that not everyone has, and you can’t replace a
brother or sister if they go. It’s
important to look after each other.
Getting Along
Families
are a mix of great times plus some really bad times. The family unit is usually the closest
relationship you can have. So why do
some families fight so much? It can be a
very worrying time for a young person when there’s a family fight (it’s a
worrying time for adults too). Here are
some things to do:
Time Out
If it’s all
too much, call time out if you can. Go
to someplace you can be alone. Fights
are rarely solved when everyone is shouting and no one is listening. Come back when you (and the person you’re
arguing with) can talk things through calmly.
If an argument ever gets to the point of violence, STOP IMMEDIATELY and
tell an adult you know and trust.
Cool Down
If you can
get time out, it’s a good opportunity to cool down a bit. Let off steam in the backyard by kicking a
football or going for a jog. If the
moment you come back to discuss what’s going on you find yourself getting angry
again, don’t go in. You still haven’t
cooled down properly yet. Don’t go back
in until you can talk about things calmly.
If the person you’re disagreeing with isn’t calm, don’t discuss things
until they are calm also.
Let Them Have Their Say
A good way
to make sure the other person feels they are having their say is to let them
speak first. Get them to explain their
problem and don’t interrupt them until they are finished (this is tricky but
really good to do).
Listen
Listen to
everything they have to say. A good way
to let them know you listened is to repeat the important points back to
them. Say ‘Let me see if I understand. What you’re trying to say is…’ and tell them
what they said. They’ll let you know if
that isn’t what they meant! Remember,
understanding each other is the biggest step towards solving a problem.
Talk
The trick
here is to keep your cool. Calmly have your
say. Explain what you’re upset
about. Hopefully the other person will
let you talk (especially if you’ve already let them talk). Make sure there’s no misunderstanding. Don’t try to cram too many problems in: only
try to mention one or two. It’s easier
to solve.
Sort Things Out
Now it’s
time to come to some sort of solution.
Most solutions need some sort of compromise, meaning that you find some
way of letting everyone win. For
example, if you’re fighting over something you both want, the trick may be to
take it in turns. If, after all of this,
there is still no solution and you can’t just ‘agree to disagree’ you may need
to get an adult or older person you both know and trust to act as judge. Usually in this case, you both agree to
accept what this person says no matter what.
Adoption
Adoption
means legally being made part of another family permanently (for life!). Adoption is a way of putting a child who
needs parents with parents who want another child. If this happens as a baby, the young person
can grow up never knowing they were adopted.
If they suddenly find out when they are older, this can bring with it a
mix of emotions, questions and worries.
Why Are People Adopted Out?
A child can
be put up for adoption by its parents for many reasons. Here are some:
·
When
a woman has a baby and they or other people decide that they could not handle
raising a child. This is usually because
the mother is very young, by herself, or has other problems.
·
When
a child’s parents have died.
·
When
a child’s parents, because of war or poverty, decide that their child would be
better off adopted to adults in another country.
·
When
it’s decided that it is best for a child in Foster Care to be adopted out.
In all cases,
the choice for a mother and/or father to adopt a child is always a serious one.
Why Do People Adopt Children?
People who
adopt children do so for many reasons.
Here are some:
·
They
simply want to.
·
They
cannot have children of their own.
·
They
may wish to help out a family from overseas who wish to adopt out their child.
·
They
are foster parents and are given permission to adopt the child in their care.
For
whatever reason, the process to adopt a child is not easy (even harder if they are
adopting a child from overseas).
Different countries and states have different rules about who is able to
adopt and who isn’t. They are tested and
checked and asked why they wish to adopt a child. The process can take several years!
Feelings About Being Adopted
Of course
if you are adopted you are no different from anyone else. However, finding out
that you are adopted can bring with it a whole pile of emotions and
questions.
·
Why
did it happen?
·
Did
my birth parents love me?
·
What
do they look like?
·
What
would life have been like if this hadn’t happened?
·
Who
are my ‘real’ parents? - my birth parents or the ones who brought me
up and love me?
You may feel confused, hurt,
shocked, angry or none of these. You may
feel happy that you were lucky to be adopted by parents who love and care for
you. Whatever your feelings might be,
handling them on your own can be difficult.
Dealing With Adoption
People deal
with knowing they are adopted in different ways. Many people feel okay about it and it hardly
changes their feelings at all. Some
people find it difficult to deal with, especially if they find out when they’re
older. However, most adopted kids feel
that their ‘real’ parents are the adoptive parents, having been the ones who
have cared, raised and loved them all these years, despite not being related by
blood.
Some
people, when they are old enough, try to find their birth parents. Sometimes this is helpful: the person learns
more about themselves, and is able to resolve unknown worries and feelings.
Sometimes this simply doesn’t work: parents are not found or don’t want to meet
them. If a meeting does happen it
mightn’t be a pleasant one and some people come away more confused or hurt than
ever.
However you
choose to deal with things, it’s important that everyone’s feelings are
considered and respected. If you have
been raised in a loving home, there is no reason to stop that. Adoption is
a family issue so it’s important to talk with your parents about your feelings
and ask them questions. You may also talk with a counsellor
who understands adoption issues. Whichever way you go, talking about the
issues is always helpful.
